Fineprint

     So I was reading this article about staring a conversation with your crush and which also had some Dos and Donts while texting them and guess what, I did everything I wasn’t supposed to according to the author. Now, since the damage has already been done, I wander through the webpages to find a solution and Bazinga! I’ve found one on the same website.

     It says to sacrifice a squirrel on my kitchen counter and drink its blood to please Hedylogos, the god of sweet-talk and flattery according to Greek mythology. By doing this I may get what I want. Well, this is nearly impossible because, What if Mom finds out that there was squirrel meat in the kitchen? (Yes, we’re vegetarians) Hey, also I live in a city and its hard to find a squirrel around here. Due to non availability of a squirrel and a hardcore vegetarian family I decided to discuss this with my friend to find a way out. 

     Now whenever I’ve discussed matters of love with my friend, my already sinking ship seems like it never was a ship and I was sailing on a toilet paper and now my friend needs to wipe his ass. This guy, although with his strange phraseology and his ability to survive without a toothpaste for weeks or maybe months, had scored chicks since our dark school age. He carefully listens to the matter and before making any comment on the subject, takes a deep breath and spurts a sneezy laugh. In the process, he also blows a snot bubble the size of a hot air balloon. Do girls find these cute? Or maybe they just like to pin it and see snot all over my friends face. GROSS. 

     The guy agrees to help me with the procedure but demands to have the meat all by himself. Not a bad deal since I am a vegetarian and what would I do with a dead squirrel anyways. He offers his kitchen but we are still one thing short, The Squirrel. With the help of all the heavenly and earthly contacts we have, all we could manage to find as close to the lovely creature was a Beet-root. Yes, a beet-root for Gods sake and if you don’t see the similarity between the two, lemme tell you this, When you slaughter any of them, your hands turn red and you feel guilty for what you’ve done. So here we are, at my friends kitchen ready to sacrifice a beet-root and drink its red, bitter blood and its flesh for my buddy. We look at each other like a pair of drunk blueline buses, we can kill and in addition we look like we are drunk. Next moment I am on the verge of becoming a serial killer as I already killed an innocent root and now I feel like doing it again. But then the carnivore in the kitchen reminded me of the purpose we were there for. I gulped in the maroon red life fluid and my friend as per our deal had to munch on the leftover.

     All things said and done now I wait for the miracle to happen. What would it be? Will some power go back to the past and change the words I typed in my phone? Will she forget what she read? Or whatever I text will sound cool after all I’ve done? I was hoping for something to happen but I knew miracle sometimes don’t occur at once. I had to be patient. So exactly after 169 seconds of long wait I panic again and run towards the living room where my friend was having the last remains of a war dragon or that maybe the beet-root we killed. We go through the texts once again and nothing seems to have changed. Then my friend suggests we check the glorious article once again to see if we missed something and wtf we did miss the fineprint which says the article is for teenaged girls and the rituals would have no effect if performed by anyone else. 

     Why in the name of God would a teenage girl take such a dangerous and cruel leap of faith? What is this world coming up to? How can sacrificing something make a miracle happen? I seriously lost all hope in humanity after the event and my friend doesn’t talk to me anymore. Maybe he doesn’t have sufficient balance to make that call but anyways now we know what we hate to our guts, BEET-ROOT.