So I was reading this article about staring a conversation
with your crush and which also had some Dos and Donts while texting them and
guess what, I did everything I wasn’t supposed to according to the author. Now,
since the damage has already been done, I wander through the webpages to find a
solution and Bazinga! I’ve found one on the same website.
It says to sacrifice a squirrel on my kitchen counter and
drink its blood to please Hedylogos, the god of sweet-talk and flattery
according to Greek mythology. By doing this I may get what I want. Well, this
is nearly impossible because, What if Mom finds out that there was squirrel
meat in the kitchen? (Yes, we’re vegetarians) Hey, also I live in a city and
its hard to find a squirrel around here. Due to non availability of a squirrel
and a hardcore vegetarian family I decided to discuss this with my friend to
find a way out.
Now whenever I’ve discussed matters of love with my friend,
my already sinking ship seems like it never was a ship and I was sailing on a
toilet paper and now my friend needs to wipe his ass. This guy, although with
his strange phraseology and his ability to survive without a toothpaste for
weeks or maybe months, had scored chicks since our dark school age. He
carefully listens to the matter and before making any comment on the subject,
takes a deep breath and spurts a sneezy laugh. In the process, he also blows a
snot bubble the size of a hot air balloon. Do girls find these cute? Or maybe
they just like to pin it and see snot all over my friends face. GROSS.
The guy agrees to help me with the procedure but demands to
have the meat all by himself. Not a bad deal since I am a vegetarian and what
would I do with a dead squirrel anyways. He offers his kitchen but we are still
one thing short, The Squirrel. With the help of all the heavenly and earthly
contacts we have, all we could manage to find as close to the lovely creature
was a Beet-root. Yes, a beet-root for Gods sake and if you don’t see the
similarity between the two, lemme tell you this, When you slaughter any of
them, your hands turn red and you feel guilty for what you’ve done. So here we
are, at my friends kitchen ready to sacrifice a beet-root and drink its red,
bitter blood and its flesh for my buddy. We look at each other like a pair of
drunk blueline buses, we can kill and in addition we look like we are drunk.
Next moment I am on the verge of becoming a serial killer as I already killed
an innocent root and now I feel like doing it again. But then the carnivore in
the kitchen reminded me of the purpose we were there for. I gulped in the
maroon red life fluid and my friend as per our deal had to munch on the
leftover.
All things said and done now I wait for the miracle to
happen. What would it be? Will some power go back to the past and change the
words I typed in my phone? Will she forget what she read? Or whatever I text
will sound cool after all I’ve done? I was hoping for something to happen but I
knew miracle sometimes don’t occur at once. I had to be patient. So exactly after
169 seconds of long wait I panic again and run towards the living room where my
friend was having the last remains of a war dragon or that maybe the beet-root
we killed. We go through the texts once again and nothing seems to have
changed. Then my friend suggests we check the glorious article once again to
see if we missed something and wtf we did miss the fineprint which says the
article is for teenaged girls and the rituals would have no effect if performed
by anyone else.
Why in the name of God would a teenage girl take such a
dangerous and cruel leap of faith? What is this world coming up to? How can
sacrificing something make a miracle happen? I seriously lost all hope in
humanity after the event and my friend doesn’t talk to me anymore. Maybe he doesn’t
have sufficient balance to make that call but anyways now we know what we hate
to our guts, BEET-ROOT.
